Happy birthday to me!!

bday photoSo today is my birthday, happy birthday to me. I had a broken sleep, the nausea is better, to the point where I can get to church, Yay!

We came home and I fell into bed, nausea is worse. One thing I have noticed is that when I get tired all of the symptoms get worse too. A fellow warrior taught me this. She said rest often because when you are tired everything is worse. She is right.

We went to movies this afternoon, it was the best compromise of doing something but not too exhausting. I am sooo sick. Someone offered me a malteser and it tasted so bad. Love the chemo metallic taste over all you eat. Serve me right shouldn’t be eating sugar anyways.

We came home and had dinner, Risotto and a gelato cake from Messina ( if you have not heard of this place check it out here ). The most amazing cakes I have ever tried, truly inspiring. I recommend them when not on chemo, for maximum benefit.  I got the magic mushroom cake – it was amazing.  Gentle on the way back up too.

I look at this picture now and think I look pretty ok, this is just before I lost dinner and my cake. Unfortunately for me, they both went straight through. Lost it from both ends so double whammy for me, happy birthday bonus! I do think however that my idea of having no expectations was much better for me. It is so tricky I know. How can anyone live up to the expectations of a mother who is no longer with me but is forever immortalised in my memories.  I do my birthday with the ghost of birthdays past both great ad awful :(

I missed my pain meds today to so my pain is at an all time high. My bones and joints aching beyond description. I have a headache, that is fuzzy and buzzing. It is as though the toxins are raging through every cell, which I suppose they are. I have this tremendous ache in my lower back, kidney area, my hips and knees are so sore, it’s almost unbearable. I dose up and head to bed, sleep please, I pray for unconsciousness. Birthday Smirthday, bah humbug.

Happy birthday to me!!

bday photoSo today is my birthday, happy birthday to me. I had a broken sleep, the nausea is better, to the point where I can get to church, Yay!

We came home and I fell into bed, nausea is worse. One thing I have noticed is that when I get tired all of the symptoms get worse too. A fellow warrior taught me this. She said rest often because when you are tired everything is worse. She is right.

We went to movies this afternoon, it was the best compromise of doing something but not too exhausting. I am sooo sick. Someone offered me a malteser and it tasted so bad. Love the chemo metallic taste over all you eat. Serve me right shouldn’t be eating sugar anyways.

We came home and had dinner, Risotto and a gelato cake from Messina ( if you have not heard of this place check it out here ). The most amazing cakes I have ever tried, truly inspiring. I recommend them when not on chemo, for maximum benefit.  I got the magic mushroom cake – it was amazing.  Gentle on the way back up too.  I look at this picture now and think I look pretty ok, this is just before I lost dinner and my cake.

Unfortunately for me, they both went straight through. Lost it from both ends so double whammy for me, happy birthday bonus!

I do think however that my idea of having no expectations was much better for me. It is so tricky I know. How can anyone live up to the expectations of a mother who is no longer with me but is forever immortalised in my memories.  I do my birthday with the ghost of birthdays past both great ad awful :(

I missed my pain meds today to so my pain is at an all time high. My bones and joints aching beyond description. I have a headache, that is fuzzy and buzzing. It is as though the toxins are raging through every cell, which I suppose they are.

I have this tremendous ache in my lower back, kidney area, my hips and knees are so sore, it’s almost unbearable. I dose up and head to bed, sleep please, I pray for unconsciousness. Birthday Smirthday, bah humbug.

 

 

Get to know your ABC’s

ABC nutri blast

Hi Y’all,

This is what is called an ABC – It is Apple Beetroot and Carrot, all raw and blended whole with filtered water and some fresh squeezed lime juice.  This is my lunch on fasting days.  I am fasting 2 days each week to promote healing in my body.  If you’d like to know why this is such a powerhouse drink check out more info here.

Because of my awesome “nutria bullet” (unpaid plug)  I blast one of each, if you are juicing you will need to juice as many as your juice volume requires.  My version is really filling, I also add some ice to make it extra refreshing.  Make sure you give the fruit and veg a really good wash!

To your health and happiness :)

Descending into the depths

sadnessI woke at 2am, then was wide awake until 430am. It’s the weekend so no school run, yay! Thanks you for small miracles and gifts each day. So I slept in, or rather stayed in bed. I feel quite nauseous, sore, slow, everything is buzzing, hot, swollen just yuck!

An old friend from my high school and Uni days called and we spoke for a while, that was really nice. I continued in bed, it just seemed too hard to do anything else. I am finding the nausea is much worse this round.

It’s my 42nd birthday tomorrow. I pray it’s a nice day and I can do something with the family. I have a long history of struggling with my birthday. First of all my Mum was so great at making us all feel like princesses for the day.  She went over the top and made it really difficult for anyone to compare to the big effort she made.

It wasn’t about spending money rather being thought of.  I have so many wonderful memories. Then I got married and my ex Husband was pretty hopeless. He was ok initially but as his world spiralled out of control I was last on the list and I am pretty sure he forgot the last 4 or 5 of my birthdays.  To add to this I left him on the last birthday we were together which happened to be my 30th.

So I have a history of sad days and unmet expectations. The last birthday with him I remember finding out he had spent more at the pub the day before. The forgot my birthday with an “oh f@#k its your birthday” at 12pm, then handing me a broken photo frame.  Special times…..

Looking back he was such a mess how could he do anything else. They were certainly hard times though. So my new outlook is to not have expectations and to spend time with the people I love.  My Husband Marc is wonderful and really makes and effort, there is just so much sensitive scar tissue there.

It almost like each year I compete with the ghost of birthdays past each year and enough is enough. Time for a new way, out with the old in with new healthier ways.  Easier said than done, but at least I am aware and working toward a better way.

So I stayed in bed, lamenting on how much I miss my Mum, particularly when I feel so sick and my birthday is looming. Wondering how she would be feeling knowing her baby girl is on the same journey with breast cancer as she was.

I’m glad she is not here really as she would have been racked with guilt, even though it is not her fault at all. I love you Mum xxxx.

Ding Ding! Day 1 Round 3

day 1 r 3I am awake again from 2am but did not go back to sleep. Man I am tired, how can I not be exhausted. I haven’t slept well since mid November 2013 and I was exhausted before this all began.

Big day today, I will over the “hump” so to speak. Got my “Brave” t shirt on, acupuncture this morning to help with side effects. I shaved down for battle too as I had a light covering if hair that has tried to grow back only to fall out again soon after this next round.

At acupuncture, Amanda asked me about how I have been. I explained that I haven’t been resting out of guilt for not pulling my weight. She explained that guilt comes from a feeling of doing wrong, the only wrong I have been doing is not putting my health first. Ahhh, got it! A nice new way for me to approach things.   Certainly a more kind approach than my default.

Chemo goes ok today, my veins are not co-operating, they have sunk deep into my flesh, in an attempt to avoid the toxic assault. It does not work for long as they are coaxed out with a warm wrap.

My white cell count is too high so again less injections afterwards – Yay! As I sit there the toxic cloud descends, I am reminded of this familiar foe. As the headache begins and my stomach begins to protest and twist I decide to think of the fact that I am making progress, I have one more to go before the next stage, surgery. I am making it.

Only, 7 days to go of this pain and illness before the sun begins to shine again.   I can do it. Thank goodness for the journal which has really helped me map out how I respond to chemo. Such a blessing; please if you know anyone going through treatment like this encourage them to journal.

Tonight I sleep with the help of my new besties, “Endone and Valium.”  Bring on the rest, after being up for close to 20 hours, goodness knows I need it.

Look Good, Feel Better

Beauty mythI am awake from 2am, so I am washed out this morning when it is time to get moving for the day. I have the “look good feel better” workshop today. It’s a workshop sponsored by the beauty industry to help women facing cancer to feel better about their appearance.

Great idea, it has a realty good reputation around the traps. My friend Tammy booked me in months ago. Just as well, I may not have gotten around to it myself.  Tip – If you are supporting someone and you find out about groups like this, do it for them. They can always say “no” closer to the day, but at least if its “yes” it will happen.

I am to take a support person so I asked Al, my sister in law. It was a great day, I learned so much. Came away with free make up and skin care, a few new friends and ideas on how I can make myself feel just a little better when I’m having a bad day.

No rest again today, workshop finished, by the time I did some errands, helped kids after school and had dinner prepped it was time for puppy school. My calendar needs some more gaps – seriously.

I realise I am going to need to say “No” to some things and prioritise my rest but it is so hard. I am so tired by the time sleep is possible but I have pushed too far and am wired. Besides it’s chemo day again tomorrow and if I could put my head in the sand I would. I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel like crap again.

It’s such a cycle of teasing as you get through the worst of the toxicity, you fight to regain some resemblance of feeling human and just as you arrive, it’s time again. It really messes with your head.

ON a slightly different note, I have been watching the “Under the Red Dress” campaign. What and inspiring campaign the woman behind it, Beth is.  I am going to contact them to share my story if they are open.  At the very least it supports their cause.  A cause I find myself very close to.

The rise before the fall

rise fall arrowToday I woke feeling okay a little sore but okay.  Today is a busy day I didn’t stop all day between doing a little ‘Pilates’ to keep me moving, then washing, shopping and cooking dinner; phew!! It’s been a big one.

I had a great chat with mr Bonus daughter morning today about her ideas to the future. She’s so keen to explore the world and do a gap year after she finishes year 12. I believe it’s such a great idea for her and what an opportunity that may never present itself again.

By afternoon I’m ready to relax. I put my feet up and watch some mindless TV.  I have such a pile of books to read, I think I’ve bought everything ever written on the subject of breast cancer.  I’m doing this because I want to connect with the universal experience whilst knowing that my own experience is very individual.

It’s amazing what a gift that is reading about someone else’s experience and seeing how you relate to that. There are so many weird things that happen to your body during this journey that only another person in the same journey can share with you.  So many little things that seem almost too weird to talk about I will find in the pages of a book and suddenly realise that it’s okay.

For example, since starting chemotherapy my feet have been so painful.  To the point where first thing in the morning I can hardly walk.  It’s like plantar fasciitis but more painful for me.  I struggle so much with it.  It’s weird how sore feet make the little things so much harder.

Otherwise, I’m feeling pretty good in general.   It’s actually quite sad to think that I’m going to feel like crap again soon.   I’m also approaching my birthday which is always a weird day for me.   It’s weird for many reasons.   Firstly because my beautiful Mum is no longer with me.  She used to spoil all of us so much on our birthdays.  It wasn’t about spending lots of money but about making you feel like a princess that the day.

Secondly, in my first marriage, as the relationship deteriorated I had at least four birthdays where the day was forgotten by my ex-husband altogether. This was really painful for me. I then separated on my 30th birthday which is also a painful memory from me.

I’ve taken so much baggage along with me that my birthdays are always and mixed bag of emotions. This one will be interesting not only because of the journey I’m on, but also because I’ll be in peak time of the effect of the chemo on my body. So I’m lowering my expectations and hopefully things will all go well.

It’s the simple things in life….

change processAfter not much sleep I’m up early the church today. I’m feeling generally okay just a little flat. The message at church was exactly what I needed to hear. It was a message by Ben Houston all about the challenges that comes from every angle when you begin to pioneer again.

I feel like this is a new and defining time for me, for my business, even for my outlook. This journey is teaching me how to redefine myself, to look at what I want for my future and my life, to define what works for me and what doesn’t. I don’t know if you ever noticed this but in my life each time I try and gain ground challenges come up. This is exactly what Ben is talking about.

It’s so important that as the challenges turn up they don’t throw us off course. In the middle of a battle it’s so easy to give up or change direction thinking that is the answer. I don’t know how many biographies I’ve read of successful people that have explained how close they were to victory when they almost gave up. I wonder how many people have been in that exact position except they have given up. I am determined not to be one of those people.

The enemy uses lies and deceit to throw you off course, however, my trust is in God.  I know He has a plan and a purpose for my life and He is always with me. This journey of cancer is a refining process for me. A way of stripping off what is no longer helpful and putting in place practices and mindsets that will help me achieve what is in my heart.

After church Marc and I went to the beach, I took Betty (our pup), went for a walk and then read a book. It was so nice sitting under the shade of a tree with my cute little puppy just spending some time. It was nice to do something so normal for a Sydney summer but something that we have not done in such a long time.

It was a powerful reminder how getting back to basics and doing the simple things can bring so much joy. I want to do more of this, I feel almost normal like I’m not in the middle of this battle when I do things like this it is a welcome rest. I’m only four days away from my next treatment so I am beginning to feel good again. I need to begin to prepare myself for the next round of chemo.

This is just as much a head battle as it is a physical battle.  I seem to learn and understand this more and more very single day. Some may say I’m a slow learner :)

Choosing your battles

animals-fighting-4What a celebration! Last night I got to sleep without Valium yay! Today I see the physio who specialises in lymphatic drainage.  My Oncologist told me at the last review that my arm is a little too swollen for her to be happy with.

Thankfully, the physio said I do not have lymphoedema just normal post surgery swelling. Thank goodness another blessing for me. I saw so many women in my support group that struggle on a daily basis with lymphoedema, I did not want this for me as well. Selfish I know.

He gave me some massage and stretching tips for my scar and chest to increase mobility. My surgeons have not mentioned to me the risk of losing function if you do not increase your mobility with support. The thing that frustrates me about this is that no one told me this I found this out purely by luck.

Apparently there are many women who lose normal arm function following this surgery!!  Women who cannot return to activities, sports or even personal exercise programs wight he same function.  I felt it was unacceptable that I had not been told this.

The physio also challenged me when he asked me about reconstruction. He said to me, “who are you doing this for?” I replied, “it’s a combination of for myself and for my marriage and husband.” I don’t think he understood completely where I was coming from and he began on a rant about how big the surgery is and how dare someone else expect me to do that for them. I was quite taken aback and surprised at his response.

This was obviously a sore spot for him for whatever reason. He asked me about my expected timeline with surgery and recovery and then said that my timeframe is unrealistic. Wow, another blow for me. At the time I thought “I’m so tired I don’t have the energy to get into this with you.”

Anyone who knows me knows that this is not my usual response. I love difficult conversations and don’t like being misunderstood. However, today I just need to leave it be.  I needed to choose my battles

When I got home Marc and Moni have gone to do some driving, Moni is on her L plates and keen to get her P plates by July when she turns 18. I decided to do some Pilates & shake off the yucky feeling I have leftover from the conversation with the physio.

He has planted this horrible seed in my mind that my loving husband is being selfish. I know this is not the truth he has never asked me to have reconstruction for him.  As much as I know my own truth I can’t shake what this man said to me today. I’m also thrown by his statement that my own timeframe for recovery may be unrealistic I need to put this aside until I speak with my plastic surgeon.

I had a word with Marc and told him what the physio had said, he was so supportive and felt this guy really dumped his own baggage on me.  I must say I agree, Im so glad I can talk to Mar about all of this openly.

Tonight my love and I go out to see a movie and have some dinner. It’s been such a long time since we’ve had a date night, we promised each other that we will not talk about cancer, surgery, money problems or anything else that is causing us tension. We have such a lovely time; we laugh at the silly movie and just enjoy being in the same space together.

When we get home my body is so tired but my head is wide awake. I try to sleep to no avail so at 2 AM I relent and take a sleeping tablet.  It’s all about choosing your battles.

Another visit to the Oncologist

cancer graphic

Another night of better sleep, again this cool weather is such a gift. Today I’m off to see my Oncologist again. They always see you in between cycles of chemo to make sure that you are on track.

I join the other women in the waiting room all at various stages of treatment. Some have hair, some wear wigs, somewhere scarves. We all share the physical and emotional scars of this journey. There is this unspoken link between us all, this unspoken understanding that is hard to describe.

You know just by looking at each individual that there is such a powerful story that is their life. Whether or not they’re married or single, parents or not, doing well or struggling. Much of this is hidden from public view. It is only by being on a similar journey that you see the burden on the shoulders and the sadness in their eyes.

My Oncologist tells me that my white cells are now too high. This is because the injection that I need to give myself after chemo has been too effective. The blessing to me is that I really need to give myself three injections after chemo now not five. Woo hoo!  Small gifts, I’ll take them all.

My Oncologist also gave me another script for Endone and Valium, to help me sleep and to reduce my pain levels. She described that not everybody gets the joint and bone pain that I am experiencing. She also explains that unfortunately this may mean that my response to Tamoxifen will be similar.

She refers me for some lymphatic drainage massage and I have an appointment for the weekend. The funny thing on my list the today is to have lunch with a very good and very caring friend. She cooks me a healthy and beautiful meal and we just sit and talk. It’s so refreshing to just sit and talk about other things than cancer. It’s amazing how in such a big and busy life that cancer can become the focus. I don’t want this to be the case so this is a lovely and refreshing change.

I get home and have a short rest, yay I’m learning! Unfortunately the rest was not long enough and by 8 PM I can no longer think straight. My entire body is aching and I need to go to bed. It’s been a big day it’s time to call it a night.